Parents, are you opening the communication door with your children or unknowingly slamming it shut?
Our actions and words can open the door for long-term learning and growth with our children or scold, threaten, or shame it shut.
Our actions and words can open the door for long-term learning and growth with our children or scold, threaten, or shame it shut.
Parents often ask me, "Why don't my kids listen? This article by Dr. Nancy Buck will help parents to understand the crucial part parents play in this process.
Choose an open position for growth and learning
Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D.
What you do and say will either put your child in an open position for learning and growth, or protection.
New research of the human cell has revealed that a cell can only be in one of two positions; protection or growth. Biologically, we are a binary system, with the choice of either protection or growth. And since the brain is a system of cooperative cells, the brain is then only in a position of protection or growth.
Have you ever wondered why you must continually make the same kind of correction for your child’s repeated misbehavior? Are you tired of threatening or punishing your child, only to discover that you must repeat the same process many, many times?
The reason is that you are using strategies that put your child into protection rather than asking your child to grow and learn. Your child perceives your scold, threat or punishment as something he must protect himself against. He is not in the frame of mind to be open to learn and grow. Instead he is protecting himself from you. This may be shocking to hear. The last thing you want is for your child to feel as if she has to protect herself from you! In many parental situations when you scold, threaten or shame your child, you aren’t even thinking about anything other than trying to get your child to do what you want her to do. But your mindless behavior is perceived differently by your child. On a cellular level your child believes he must be in protection. He may comply with your request, but he has learned nothing. His mind is not in a state to learn, grow and change. His mind simply goes into protection.
With this new information perhaps you are less surprised that you must repeat the same correction, or threat, or punishment, over and over again. Your child’s brain is not in a learning state of mind.
What’s the solution? Stop doing the kinds of things that your child perceives as threatening. Make a simple request for what you want your child to do, rather than attempting to get your child stop doing what you don’t want. “Sit please.” Use your inside voice please.” “Hold my hand and walk with me please.” Can you see how each of these requests keeps a child in an open position for growth and learning rather than “No standing.” “Quit shouting and screaming.” “No running.”
It is equally important to use a neutral, calm, friendly tone of voice. How you speak to your child is as important as what you say. Remaining calm, friendly and engaged with your child, even during nonverbal times keeps both of you in an open and growth state, rather than needing to retreat into a state of protection. (http://www.peacefulparenting.com/tips-grocery.asp)
Skill: Tell the child you want. Not what you don't want.
Compare the difference:
"I want dirty clothes put in the laundry room, please." "It helps me when you hold the bag still while I put the lemons inside." "It would be helpful if you kept your hands on your side of the car." Rather than, "Don't leave your dirty laundry on the floor anymore." "Stop playing with the bag." "Don't touch your sister one more time!"
One supports needs, growth and learning. Gives a child direction, and offers ways for them to help. Teaches self-regulation. The other supports trying to stop a child from doing something. Stopping/controlling behavior.
Try it.